Out, out, brief candle, life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing. - 'Macbeth' Act 5 Scene 5 line 21-28 (Shakespeare)

(click entries on the left to see posts)

I'm so afraid of change.
Starting uni, learning to catch public transport, learning to drive meeting new people, looking for a job, deciding majors.
Everything scares me.
But if I don't get my act together and charge through this anxiety, I'll only stay where I am now.
While everyone moves forward, towards their glistening future.



I've realised that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah okay it's a little late but better late than never! But in all seriousness, feeling sorry for myself isn't making anything better. Yes, it makes me feel better, it means I can blame something or someone, it means that I don't have to be responsible for my own failures, because the failures are not because of me. But that's not the case. My failures, all of them, are a result of my own lacking. Because I'm too lazy, because I give up too easily, because I leave things to the last minute, because I don't work hard enough, because I'm all talk and no work. Because of all those things. Not because my parents don't push me enough, not because my genetics are not advantageous, not because I didn't go to a better school or because I didn't make better friends earlier. Not because of any of that. And you know what? Even though it might sound harsh to accept my own mistakes, I know it'll only do me good. The only reason why I can't let go of my failures, be it in schooling or in relationships, is because I know I never really tried my best, I know I could've done better and the only reason why I hadn't is because of my own shortcomings. And what's worse? They're shortcomings that I can fix. Having realised this, I know I'll let go of a lot more and hopefully gain more. Rather than promising to other people that I'll do this and that simply to get encouragement and praise, I need to make promises to myself, and most importantly life up to them. No need to tell others, to try and impress them, the only way I can impress others is if I actually work hard and show them the results that I get. So I'm grateful for this dnm with my mum tonight. Rather than ending in tears and breakdowns, I feel a lot more calmer than any other dnm I've ever had. I've come to accept my failures and recognise my shortcomings. I believe this is the first step. And I'm happy I've taken the step.



Maybe I am depressed.
But who cares anyways.



我每看一部電影都有一些感觸。
今晚看了'第一次'。
我也想要有一段刻骨銘心的純愛情。
一段讓我難以忘懷的愛情故事，
讓聽的人也感到那愛情的溫暖與甜蜜，
讓感受過的人默默流淚。
也許刻骨銘心的故事都是悲劇收尾，
也許那樣的愛情讓人回味也讓人心疼，
也許要等一百年才能與宿命的另一半遇見，
但我願意。
倏然渴望愛情，
但我願意等。
我願意等那個讓我無法忘懷的愛情。



I have so many questions.
Do you remember me?
Do you ever think of me?
Do you regret letting me go?
Did it mean anything to you?
Did you miss me?
Do you ever wonder how I'm doing?
What do you think of me now?
Do you thinking anything at all?
What did you think of me then?

But I can't seem to put it in words, when I get the chance to ask.






He left.




There's only six people between us, between a stranger and I.
Between the person you pass on the street,
the driver in front of you,
the person sitting next to you in the cinemas.
We're separated by merely six people.
You and I.



一个人的离去突然得很可怕,
我们不知道如何去面对没有他们的日子.
但当日子久了,
我们却发现生活还是一样,
那些以为没办法适应的节日也没太大的分别.
可是有的时候,
他们的身影会无缘无故的出现在我们的脑海里.
"怎么好像小了点什么似的?"
"如果(       )还在的话,　他一定会很高兴＂
我们慢慢的习惯没有他们的日子，　
但却无法忘记拥有他们的回忆．
存在过的永远都在．



Long time no see, buddy.
It's been a while since I've blogged,
and to be a honest a while since I've even thought of this blog of mine.
Perhaps I should fill you in with some updates in my life (not that there is much to say),
I've been accepted into the course Bachelor of Business and Science at UNSW.
Although it's not my most preferred course, I'm happy to be in UNSW.
I've been looking for a job these few months,
got an interview with Diva once but they must have realised I wasn't enough of a 'diva' or that I had any interest in their company apart from the money I would receive in return for my labour.
Then I got a call from Gloria Jeans yesterday in response to my expression of interest,
yet because of my uni timetable (5 days a week :'( ) I can't be fully available for weekdays the manager said he'd organise the roster as call me in for an interview if he's able to put me in.
There really isn't much to talk about.
If you were to ask how I've been these few post-HSC months,
I've been depressed over my ATAR,
then overwhelmed with the feeling of freedom,
then bored with the lack of structure in my daily life,
then anxious about my future,
then persistent with job hunting,
then lost with uni enrollment,
then drained from over-thinking about the past,
then at this point - nervous about starting a new life; uni life.
It doesn't feel like much has happened, although I tried so hard to fill my calender tightly.
Uni should be a good start.
I will put my effort in to make it a good start.



We watch beautiful birds fly from one tree to another, one rooftop to the next.
They jump branches cheekily,
they fly graciously,
they hop around adorably,
and for some reason everything seems so familiar.
So we sit there watching,
forgetting the hours passing.
Then, only after the light changes as we watch the bird swiftly fly to the next tree,
do we realise it wasn't the bird that was the most beautiful.
But the sky it flew in,
the clouds it passed,
the tree it landed on,
the grass it found comfort in,
the wind it became friends with,
that was the most beautiful.
I looked around,
seeing all that surrounded me.
How long has it been?
When did I forget how beautiful this all was?
I look off my shoes and once again walked till my feet felt sore from the prickly grass,
then sat down, closed my eyes as I listened to the songs of the birds and felt the breeze slip past my skin.
It's been a while.







I...feel like crap.
disappointment.
just disappointment.











爱是折磨,
恨是折磨,
伤是折磨,
愈合是折磨,
他是折磨,
你是折磨,
我是折磨,
社会是折磨,
家庭是折磨,
一个人是折磨,
一群人是折磨,
人生是折磨,
死亡是折磨,
就如此。。。一切的一切都知只是。。。折磨。



sometimes I feel like I should just give it all up.
just go drink all night and party,
go get drunk with strangers,
party, dance, give myself into the possibly addictive lifeless clubbing lifestyle.
I mean, if I can't be better than her,
why not just give it all up and be the worst that I can?
but I can't.
I just can't do it.
so fuck this shit.
fuck this life.
fuck this miserable and stupid comparisons that I make.
fuck it all.



I wonder which is worse...
to have owned yet cruelly taken away,
or to never have owned it at all.





我是不是不够她好？
我没有叛逆，
我没有喝 酒，
我没有去夜店，
我没有交男朋友。
我没有。
那为什么？
为什么妳总拿她跟我比？
为什么妳总是在我面前说她有多好多好的，
为什么妳总喜欢说我的不好然后说她会怎样怎样的好，
为什么妳在舅舅，阿姨 面前说我的不好， 说我有多懒惰，有多不乖。
妳可能不懂为什么我在考试的时候总是那么的在乎舅舅们的想法，总是说“我只是想让你们骄傲”。
不是因为我喜欢别人的夸奖，我只是希望我也有让你们去 炫耀的地方， 让你们骄傲到想要跟大家分享的东西。。。
我不够好吗？
是因为我不如她吗？　
是我想太多了还是你们没发现？



好寂寞哦。



他。。。
就像是窗外的风景。
我无法去触摸，
无法靠近。
我总觉得这样的距离是最好，最安全的。
隔着我们的玻璃是会反射。
只有我看得到他,
他从不知道我的存在。
我们各的生活都不会再有交错。
这是最好的。
但原来。。。
原来那玻璃从没存在过。
他一直都在我的生活的边缘慌来慌去，
也许他也没发现我还在，好象无法离开。
我常想, 如果我们再见面的话我会有什么样的反应，
会惊吓还是毫无感觉，
会开心还是心痛，
他会记得我吗？会过来问好吗？
还是已忘了我？他会想要从新认识我吗？
我会吸引到他的目光吗？他会感觉到我的改变吗？
我希望如果真的有再重逢的一天的话，
我是对自己有自信，甚至是自己先向问好的。
希望他看不透我们的回忆对于我的影响。





毕业了。
其实毕业了一个星期了。
有何感想？说实在的我没有想象的哭得那么多。
也许是因为我知道我们还有HSC 要考,
所以还是会见面。
但是当然不能每天都见到面,
不能每天一起吃午餐，
一起慢慢地走去上课，
一起聊一些无聊的话题,
或一起争吵无数的世界问题。
说到这还是 会感到伤心，难过。
可是人还是要往前走。
那并不代表要舍弃过去，
只是要带着从过去得到的勇敢与自信走向遥远却充满希望的明天。






Tomorrow is our farewell mass.
I still remember the first time I passed our school. Looking out the window I saw a sea of blue kilts and that was basically all that this school meant to me. And at that time, I would've never ever thought that it could mean so much.
I remember the first time I sang along to the school song, and although I always thought it was a pretty lame song, I began to feel proud and full of hope every time I sing it at the end of the twice a year school mass.
I remember feeling like I belonged in year 7 then slowly feeling more and more out of place as friendships broke and closest friends left.
I remember running to the toilets during class and crying my heart out, having arguments with insignificant people over insignificant matters, thinking I was better than certain people and then slowly learning more and more about not only what was taught in the textbooks, but about who I am.
I remember feeling lost and incomplete. Then meeting my group, getting to know everyone, to understand them, and love them.
These memories, these feelings, I remember them all. Perhaps not as clearly as I would like them to. But I can still feel, I can feel the nervousness, the happiness, the fear, the relief. I hope that even after the many years that will pass, all the many people I will meet along the way and the many obstacles that I must overcome, I don't forget these feelings and memories.
Maybe we're all afraid right now. Terrified of what lies ahead, unaware of how to successfully achieve anything in life without the help of these teachers and school support. Or maybe it's because we know this is the first step out to adulthood and a step away from the wonderful childhood. And I must admit, I'm a little scared too. What will I do after I graduate? Yes, there's still the HSC, but even so, who's going to help me when I have questions about subjects? and topics? and past papers? Who's to support me and encourage me? Who's to tell me "it'll be okay, we've all been through this"? But I guess that's why it's so important to move on. Because we must step outside, to the real world and face real problems all on our own and only then, will we truly mature and become the people we want to be.
I will miss my teachers, perhaps even the ones I came to hate. I will miss my peers, perhaps even the one's I rant about all the time. I will miss those buildings, even if I complain about them. I will miss many many many things about this school, but it's time we move on. It's time we adventure out and discover our own ways of thinking and our own ways of doing things.
I'm reluctant to leave, but then again, I'm excited to see what's ahead of me. Although I'm afraid I'll lose these precious friends of mine, because I know people change, and I'll change but for the time that I can, before they change so much that they don't need me anymore, I will try my hardest to remain in contact with them. Hopefully we only change for the better.
And lastly, here's parts of the school song that I'd like to share:
"Make our friends last, forever more, our school and family, together our community, we grow as one before we face the world on our own...we grow as one before we face the world on our own."






下星期三，四就毕业了。
我又兴奋又害怕，
同时也难过， 舍不得。
有太多的回忆与感情，
不想放手。
朋友。。。
对现在的我来说， 太重要。
不是说以前的朋友没有这样的影响力
只是和这些人在一起的时候真的很快乐，很快乐。
或许是一种归属感， 或许是一种认同，
不管是什么我知道我以后一定会想念他们。
也许毕业后我们就不再联络了,
也许我们因为种种原因，因为各走自己的路，
就忘记了对方，遗忘了一起快乐的日子。
想到这我都会有一种莫名的害怕和感伤。
我真的真的不想失去这些朋友，
也许我应该勇敢一点，
用我的力量好好地维持这样难得的友情。

come on everyone,
let's be bitchy and self centered.
that's what's in season now.

今晚，五月天在city举办演唱会, 但因为我考试不能去 :(
我整晚都不开心， 想说不知道他们什么时候会再来。
可是我决定了，
我要再去台湾，
去所有我上一次没机会去的地方，
去吃我上一次没机会吃的东西，
而最重要的就是去看一场五月天的演唱会。
我会带着一个演唱会门票，
一个手机,
一个即时相机，
和一个感动的心。 
今晚的演唱会我没办法去但将来的我一定会去。
这是我刘绰凌与自己定的约定。
这么的一天一定会到来的!



在我的回忆里他是完美的。
而我, 是平平无凡，
听话，
毫无魅力，
没什么特别的小女孩。 
但想起来， 
我们没什么分别，
都只是小孩。
不懂什么是爱情，
不懂什么该珍惜，
什么该放手。
或许，你跟我一样，
拥有忘不掉而羞怯的小回忆。
因为这样, 
我终于学会放开过去。 
我们都一样，
就算你忘不了的不是我,
就算你已经记不起来我是谁了,
也没关系。
因为我们每个人都有着让我们脸红的小朋友爱情或暗恋。
我并不需要觉得可耻，
我有我的好。
你看不见,
你不懂得，
你没留意，
那是你的损失。
不是我的错。 



'tis my english representation task



So I've been participating in the 40 Hour Famine since year 9, it's always something that I'm passionate about and  the 40 Hour Famine for this year is later this month. If you've never heard of the 40 Hour Famine, it's a awareness and fund raising event for hunger and poverty around the world, in which participants give up something for 40 hours and ask for donations. This year the focus is Ethiopia.
I've been thinking of what I should give up this year, for the past few years I've given up food, my phone and speaking. I find that giving up food is the most influential one of them all, although some people might think it's "stupid" to give up food when there are people starving around the world, but experiencing a  famine for 40 hours and wasting food are two very different things.
But unfortunately, I cannot give up food this year because I've been to the doctors not long ago and he did tell me that I'm slightly malnourished and I'll be doing my HSC quite soon so I need to keep myself in the right health condition. So, what else could I give up? I don't want to give up something that doesn't have a message or meaning, or something that I'm meant to be giving for my HSC anyways (i.e. my phone and facebook), so I've decided to give up speaking.Yes I know, "again?"
"But why?" you may ask, well it's because I've become quite annoyed lately with all the voices  that go on about issues around the world, where everyone's giving their opinions and comments but no one's listening or looking carefully to truly find the answer to any of the issues (and the rudeness and lack of manners in the world today). Therefore, I will give up my voice for 40 hours, listen to what people have to say, to their stories, to their worries and to their feelings. And look; observe the beauty in our world and to see the problems that need to be noticed.
I will bring with me a notepad that will only have a few important words that need to be said:
1. Thank you
2. Sorry
3. Excuse me
4. Please
5. Why I have given up my voice
6. Please donate 
7. I'm listening
8. Are you okay?
9. It'll be okay
10. I love you
ps: if you can participate yourself please do, if not donate to someone that is participating! It doesn't matter how much you decide to donate, every cent counts! You can even donate online:  http://worldvision.com.au/40HourFamine.aspx



我渴望爱情，
渴望暧昧，
渴望被爱与相爱。
我知道在现阶段，我不需要爱情，
因为我要在意的应该是学习和考试，
但我盼望温柔的 “我爱你”，
让我日夜想念的拥抱，
让我无法控制的心跳，
那样的等待，
那样的温暖,
那样关系，
那样的我,
那样的他,
那样的我们。
对于只有为考试准备的小女孩来说,
爱情是多么的吸引啊！ 
我每天就只有读书,吃饭，睡觉， 
我还有什么值得期待，
有什么值得等待？
我很累,
很闷,
很想念。
想念暧昧的感动， 
想念让我心思思的猜疑，
想念让我每天都有所期待的日子。
只有几个月我就自由了! 我撑的到的!！ 












sgkjhsakhguieghadkjfhaeuorylVhbaiwo aggshguiawhgehagrhlowuehfjahfuaewghbvjhaweiugbfraiugb GUHHWWG that was my rant about certain characteristics of people that i hate.



一顆蘋果 - 五月天

詞曲：阿信
編曲：五月天/陳建良

經過了漫長的等候　夢想是夢想　我還是一個我
那時間忘記挽留　最美時候　不經意匆匆的放過

曾經想擁抱的彩虹　盛開的花朵　那純真的笑容
突然有風吹過　那一轉眼　只剩我

我不懂　人世間的那些愁　他為什麼要纏著我
到底這會是誰的錯　還是我不放手

喔　人世間的那些愁　這世界給我的誘惑
這是不是要告訴我　潮起終究潮落

總要有人來陪我　嚥下苦果
喔　再嚐一點美夢　要等你先開口　那冬天才會走

有些人經過我身旁　住在我腦中　在我心裡鑽洞
有些人變成相片　堆在角落　灰塵像雪一般冰凍
時間如果可以倒流　我想我還是
會卯起來蹉跎　反正就這樣吧

我知道我　努力過　我想到　遙遠遙遠的以後
會不會有人知道我　在這個寂寞的星球　曾這樣的活過

喔　遙遠遙遠的以後　天長和地久的盡頭
應該沒有人能搶走　我永遠的感動
總要有一首我的歌　大聲唱過

喔　再看天地遼闊　活著不多不少　幸福剛好夠用
活著其實很好　再吃一顆蘋果



感觉很奇妙，听着他们的谈话我有点。。。不知道该怎么形容， 也不知道我对这话题有何感想。 我某一个舅舅离婚后交了一个新女朋友， 应该在不久的将来会结婚了。我替他高兴但也对他对她的感情有点。。。怀疑？毕竟那女的家境不错，学历也很好，会喜欢我舅舅是第一个难懂的事情，而我舅舅每说他女朋友的好时也只提她的财富好像没怎么提她的温柔或善良，这就是第二个疑惑。我不是反对,也没资格说反对，只是有点感触。然后就到我的表姐。踏进豪门后的她把所有的人看在脚低下，还没结婚就忘了自己的人亲人是谁。这种行为,这种思想为什么会被他们接受与认同呢? 我不懂,真的不懂。



You know what I've realised? Although things have changed and I've met a bunch of awesome people there's no one that I can build the connection I have with her in quite the same way. Despite being seen as pairs by teachers with one friend, having stupid arguments and making up the next day with another and talking about my problems with another, its never quite it. Perhaps because she never found me annoying when I whine, or ever think that I'm evil and deceptive. To her I've always been innocent, kind and need to be protected. No one sees me in that way anymore, and maybe that's how its meant to be. Maybe even though I've found new friends that I can laugh and have fun with none of them will ever be who she is to me. There's always a place for her.



we can act like its still the same, like nothing has changed. But we both know, we can both feel it. It's not the same, things have changed. It would be such a shame to let it go because we've had so much, so much history, so many feelings, so many memories. And when I look back at our photos, birthday cards, christmas cards, blog entries, msn conversations, I miss those days. I miss being angry at you, and you'd come and apologise and wipe my tears, I miss crying to you about everything and have you tell me "everything will be okay", I miss knowing that you'd always be there, I miss knowing exactly where you are when someone asks me, I miss being protected from idiots, I miss taking photos with you, I miss having personal jokes with you, I miss feeling like nothing's missing even if we don't go out outside of school, I miss knowing that we belong together, that neither of us will ever feel lonely or neglected because we have each other. I tried to give you some space, to not give such stubborn advice when you ask me for it because "friends don't tell you what not to do, but support you in what ever it is you want to do" but then it slowly turned to seem apathetic and you no longer came to me for advice. I love my group, you know? I wish you could love them like that too, but I know its not possible and perhaps that's where things started to change. Or at least when the change became more obvious. Have we moved on without each other without even noticing? Or did we just choose to not acknowledge it?



I'm so sick of waking up to the world everyday. I know its probably just a phase, the many clinical diseases caused by HSC but the annoyance and tiredness of waking up the same old things everyday just takes over every minor will to enjoy these days of my life.
Its the same old alarm everyday. I climb down from my bed hurriedly to turn off that annoying sound and crawl back into bed in hope of catching 15 minutes more of sleep before the next ringing. But I never get that sleep, my parents call out my name, tell my little brothers to call out my name "Sophia! Wake up! Wake up!" They bang and knock on my door. I just want 15 MORE MINUTES OF TIME TO MYSELF IS IT SO HARD?!
Then the same old coldness of a winter morning. I strip my warm comfy clothes off and change into the ugly piece of shit they call the school uniform. I open my bedroom door, dump my bag on the floor, drag myself to the bathroom and contemplate on whether or not I'll ever miss these times of my life.
I walk out and the mumbling and rush begins. "Told you to sleep earlier!" "Hurry hurry we're late! We're late!" Out of the house we go. To the freezing, miserable car.
The ride is hardly ever silent. The mindless chatter of radio talk shows, the praise of crappy mainstream music, my mums rage at the car in front, I try to convince my little brother to eat his breakfast and stop whining.
Then we get to school. I walk as slow as possible to the lights. Cherishing the oh so dear silence and somewhat appreciated loneliness.
I'm greeted with complaining juniors and fellow grade mates that are seemingly addicted to gossip. Then I see my friends, perhaps the only highlight of my day. We ask about each other's night, homework, make a sarcastic comment, we laugh, continue the hypothetical situation we created.
The bell rings and the routine of moving from one bell to another like possessed zombies are practiced. The final bell rings and we all head off in different directions. I plug my music in, blocking the possible encounter with socialising with any unwanted conversations. I stand on a slight hill gazing out to no where as I wait for my parents. Then home we go, homework, homework, assignments, notes, all over again.
Tis the life of boredom.



I think the only way to live life is to give your fullest, try your hardest, take all you can and appreciate all you have.
what else could you possibly do?




I'm so sick of the people that breathe the same air as me, I despise the society that I have to share my resources with. Is it so hard to show genuine kindness? Okay, perhaps that'd be too much to ask for. How about manners? Thank you? Sorry? Please? Excuse me? Is it really that hard? It's no wonder I prefer my room over the shopping centre and music over conversation. Sincere people are close to extinction! There's racist, stupid, rude and critical idiots everywhere! How do these people even survive without being screamed at or bashed up? It's absolutely unbelievable. Guess this is a nice way for me to stay a hermet and study.



I don't understand why some people like receiving or giving artificial flowers.
yes, they do last longer
but isn't it the process, the cycle, the life and death of the flower that makes it so beautiful and worthwhile?
what's a flower if there's no change,
what's a flower if you don't get to anticipate the colour of the flower when it blooms,
watch it bloom from its bud, admire its colours and form,
cherish it as it slowly loses its colour,
and finally thank it when its petals have fallen.
I really don't see why anyone would prefer artificial and lifeless plastic over beautiful, natural flowers.





sometimes, i cry for no apparent reason at all.
perhaps that's what keeps me alive.



Today, I had a very interesting experience. The retreat was very...interesting. The day was overall very fun, I loved the freedom, the time I had to spend with my friends out in a glimpse of the country away from the suburban and city busyness. I loved the way the soft sunlight created patterns on the rocky road past the many different shaped leaves, I loved the sound made from walking on those roads, I loved the stillness and silence my surroundings provided, and I loved the green grass and landscape. It felt so good to see the sky without buildings and lines blocking it.
Obviously there was a religious component to this excursion. To be honest, the last activity of the day was rather emotional. In that moment, with the dim lighting, music and dramatic act, a lot of emotions were built up and I did shed a few tears. I thought a lot about all the events in my life, the ones that really left something. And in that moment I allowed myself to explore the thoughts that I had been trying to block myself from, "What if He was real? What if He was the force that made me realise that I could only keep walking, and hope for best? What if He was what stopped me from running away from it all and allowing that knife to slice through." I guess these thoughts have been bothering me in a way in the last few months, and its most probably because I have no idea why I suddenly felt the need to continue on, even though it would've been the last thing that came to mind at a time like that. But when the activity ended, and the emotions died out.
I sat in the bus on the way back wondering if those feelings and emotions were real to me or simply just the influence of dimmed light, candles and emotional music.  And perhaps, I will never know why. I'm too afraid or even repelled by the thought of trying to find Him, to once again lay my hopes and find security in something or someone that I have no idea exists or not. Perhaps He does exist, although I don't worship or believe strongly, but I've never denied the possibility that a greater force does exist. But no matter if this greater force does exist or not, and no matter how much I'd love to have the security of knowing that someone or something that has so much more power than anyone on Earth can lead me to a happy life, the many attachments this belief comes with will always repel me. If believing that someone or something is out there looking out for you, caring for you, loving you, did not come with commitments and stories I might just look towards Him.
For now, all that I can believe in is myself. I admire those who are not afraid to believe and perhaps that's what caused all the emotion, but I can't imagine myself committing to a "religion".



Isn't it upsetting that money can ruin any relationship? I've seen so many marriages, friendships and even siblings ruined because of monetary problems. And it saddens me to think that something that we once held so important and so worth cherishing can disappear in a moment. The way my parents argue over the bills, the way my uncles despise each other's existence because of finance misunderstandings so long ago and the regrets and marriages broken as a result of money issues upsets me. Perhaps I'll understand the reason behind all these when I begin to earn my own money and use them to pay off my bills of those of my partner's. I just hope that if there ever comes a day where I have to chose between money and a relationship, I'd be able to make the choice that I'd never regret.



Why is it that we always look to the sky? Whether its when we're sad or grateful, we always look towards the sky. Is it that it gives us a sense of freedom or sentiment?


















说真的，我真的很欣赏那些因为热爱音乐而努力的人。每听到五月天的歌时我都会感到无名的感动。　他们的每一个歌词，每一个音都会唤醒我，帮我记得青春是多么幸福的一件事。活在有五月天的时代我真的很幸运，　希望到我老，有了儿女的时候我能让他们跟我一样爱上音乐。　因为“爱音乐的孩子不会坏的”。

很失望， 或许因为特别期待所以特别失望。 很无奈， 可能因为太在意所以太无奈。如果 可以， 我宁愿放弃。放弃一切, 往自由奔跑。
不想去补习， 但不能让父母失望。 很想放弃数学， 不用这么辛苦， 放下巨大的压力。但不能枉费父母的心机，时间与金钱。
我是因为怕所以在数学上困难重重，　还是根本就没能力所以做得不好？
该怎么办是好？
能怎么做？
很无奈，因为什么都做不到，　很失望，　是对自己失望。。。

　　

you know that feeling when everything is just so fucking not worth it?
and everything is so fucking annoying? and you just want to give up over every little thing?
yeah, that's how i feel right now.
no group outing, lost the mood to go out at all.
called stupid by cousin, lost confidence in everything.
i seriously can't be fucked anymore.
for anything.
and its cold too,
all the better to be a hermet,
crawl up in a ball and watch useless dramas online all day.



it's cold.



让我想起 他。

“若你碰到了 替我问候他
告诉他 我过得很美满
已忘记他 已把泪水全部擦干
若你碰到了 替我问候他
祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他 不再爱也不再等待
就这样吧 若你碰到他
黑夜白天颠倒造成困扰
常在最乐观时突然跌进沮丧
为何失恋后想恢复那么困难”

如果我有再见到他的机会的话， 我会和他说话吗？会问候他吗？他还记得我吗？也许这些都不重要了。　 那 是否是爱我都不清楚，那么我又有什么权利说　“你好吗？还记得我吗？”　
即使有多希望能对他说　“我过得很好，　很美满，　很快乐。　你是谁？我都忘了。” 过去的一切都应该放下了。 他记不记得已经不重要了， 因为我很快乐。 不需要他的认同， 更不需要再为了证明自己的价值而去找另外一个会伤我的人了。







The immense amount of stress I get from maths makes jumping into a pool of pins rather attractive. I've discovered that what makes maths so horrifying to me is the many failures I've had with it in the past and the prolonged expectations from both others and myself. Although this stress will probably never disappear, I must still keep this subject not because I like the content and not because I believe I will somehow someday achieve something in this, but that doing 2U maths is already unbelievable for my family and dropping maths altogether would simply be a sin of the devil. I wish they would leave me alone, or that I didn't give half a shit. Perhaps I could have less suicidal thoughts and mental breakdowns.











你觉得我想这样吗？ 难道你以为我很好受吗？我也有自尊心, 我也会难过。
难道你觉得我不想做地更好吗？本来我还想说有你教我,我应该会有进步但这样我哪有信心问你问题我哪够胆要你教我? 我很失望。 对你, 但比较对自己失望。。。



perhaps intelligence is not predetermined,
perhaps there's more to what we think we are.
but how can these certain intelligences be nurtured
if there is not enough time,
not enough confidence?
when your uncles,
your family,
and even yourself
don't have much confidence.
perhaps its equal,
perhaps i can be just as intelligent as Einstein or even the ducts of our school,
first in NSW even.
but i don't know how to get there.
i don't what i'm meant to do.
sigh



to be honest, i don't want to move on.
although the hsc is stressing me out,
i like the attention i get from teachers and my parents,
i like the close knit friendship group i have that support me in any times of need,
i like feeling proud of my senior badge and jersey,
i like walking in the library first,
i like knowing that i have a purpose,
i like being happy about my marks,
i like my teachers encouraging and complimenting me,
i like being in a place where i know so well,
i like being with people who i know so well,
i like being able to be known so well.
but what do i know about the future?
what awaits me there?
perhaps its not as wonderful as i've anticipated it to be.
if only i could stop time,
if only things won't change,
if only people won't change.



you reckon i'm drained out already?
this whole hsc thing is really getting to my head.
all this work to do, all these assignments, essays, exams, homework, tutoring...
there are days, like today,
where i just don't want to do anything. nothing at all.
and even though i know i have my exams in a few days i just can't be bothered,
but then im so stressed out.
i want to do well,
i want to do exceptionally well,
i want all the uncles to choke on their words
and i want my parents to be proud.
but its not easy,
it really isn't.
i feel like there's a whole mountain just waiting to fall on me,
and if i don't keep walking i'll die right there.

“　　人生中的烦恼都是自己找的，当心灵变得博大，空灵无物，犹如倒空了的杯子，便能恬淡安静。人的心灵，若能如莲花与日月，超然平淡，无分别心、取舍心、 爱憎心、得失心，便能获得快乐与祥和。水往低处流，云在天上飘，一切都自然和谐地发生，这就是平常心。拥有一颗平常心，人生如行云流水，回归本真，这便是 参透人生，便是禅。”

if i ever have a son, i'd like to name him 楓
for all you non chinese readers, 楓 means maple.
why do i want to name my son maple you ask? i'm not quite sure actually haha
i just think the word looks beautiful and maple trees are so beautiful, there's just something about maple leaves and maple trees that draws me to them.
maybe i'd like my son to understand the beauty of a fallen autumn leaf, to understand that life does not only consist of blooming flowers or sorrowful cold winters, but also the warm, colours of autumn that resemble family.



http://baike.baidu.com/view/280033.htm

枫叶的花语

　　喜欢此叶的你有自己的一套生活原则，积极进取，不断向前迈进。

枫叶的含义

　　枫叶在人们心目中是一种精神象征。由于枫叶的非凡性，人们常用它来象征坚毅。 　　枫叶还象征着对往事的回忆、人生的沉淀、情感的永恒及岁月的轮回，对昔日的伊人的眷恋。



you know what i hate more than people who shake their legs, guys who spit and bitchy drivers? people who get all smart-arsey when you ask them a question. i fucking hate it when i ask someone something about slangs or shit that most people know and they give me that stupid "bitch you mean you didn't know? fuck you're an idiot" look. absolutely hate it. bitch just answer my fucking question and leave. ffs. if someone gives me that look one more time, im just gonna leave.





当人生 的这一个阶段完了以后, 我应该会想念很多人吧。



too much work, too little time, too little fuck given.




blue is; sorrowful, loneliness, emptiness
all sad things turn blue



我可以很洒脱地把你的东西都扔掉， 很潇洒地把你的e-mail给删除，
但到后来洒脱跟潇洒都没用，
你的东西不再存在， 可惜和你的记忆都还在。
忘不了的， 怎么洒脱都还是会痛。



we'll all grow old one day,
there's no doubt we'll turn weak, slow, needy and somehow useless.
i went over to my grandparents place this year for the chinese new year's eve's dinner,
my grandpa held my hand,
and said "i'm old now, i'm useless aren't i?"
i didn't know how to answer,
the man that my father had much dislike to,
the many awful stories i've heard about him,
how he'd become violent and aggressive with the push of alcohol,
a man so strong and fearful in all these stories...
has asked his granddaughter whether he's useless or not.
there was no need for an answer from me really, he had the answer already.
on the way to the temple today, a small memory came to mind,
on one of our christmas parties at my house my grandpa took out a bag,
full of presents and cheerfully suggested a game,
those that won would win a present, in the end everyone received a present really,
he ran around with us, sang songs to make me laugh.
at that moment i felt so proud,
to have a grandpa like him.
but now,
this old man needs help to take his every single step,
this old man begs for some attention, some love, some respect,
this old man looks at his grandchildren and wish the best for them in the future that he won't be able to participate in,
this old man,
so fragile,
so familiar,
yet so...different from memory.
this old man, my grandpa.
i'll miss the songs he sings randomly when he turns into a memory...



i feel so sorry for my dad,
he's working so hard all the way in melbourne just for us
and all my brothers can do is ask for him to buy games and the Wii and so on,
when they have tv to watch or games to play and dad calls all they do is complain,
and push the phone to each other because they can't be bothered talking to him.
stupid little fucking brats.
i'm so disappointed.







its okay to feel a little tired of having too many people around you right?
sometimes i feel like i give too much, and at times too little.
the way i easily forgive friends, a
and the way i find it hard to show my parents i care.
is it okay to be a little selfish?
to show the friends you love that you can too get upset, angry and frustrated,
to receive from my parents and hope they'd understand my love with my silent hugs.
can i be a little selfish, take things for granted, live like there's no tomorrow?
i feel so restrained,
like i have strings holding me back,
tied tightly to my wrists,
pulling me away from what it is thats in front of me.
i feel cold,
alone,
i feel like curling up in a ball and crying my night away.
i feel regretful,
i feel useless.
what is it that i want, what is it that i need,
what am i doing? why am i doing this?
i don't know, i don't know
and to be honest
im too tired to look for the answers.



i'm annoyed, very annoyed.
so i wanted to go to the beach with my friend and my dads like no you can't go cos bondi is too far away and yadidadida "remember what happened last time when you went to the city with your friends?" why do i have to take the consequences for what she did? just cos she's irresponsible, i can't go out to the city with my friends anymore? she's not even fucking coming with us.
and then my mum said that i can't go anywhere further than parramatta when dad's not home. now dad's going back to melbourne on monday so i can't go anywhere at all!
why?
because my mum likes to do the "guilty tactic" on me, "but i'll be worried about you, i'll be alone at home. think about me daughter"
what the fuck am i meant to say to that? ha?
now i can't go anywhere! not even parramatta! cos then she'll be all alone at home cos i'm gonna be feeling so guilty! and i have so much i want to do this holidays!
:@ i hate this. so bloody much.







其实我们这样好吗？我们是不是太过。。。超过友谊了？我不想和你开始他们说的感情，　不是因为你不好，只是我们做好朋友不好吗？　你人真的很好，　有你这个朋友我觉得很幸福，　我很开心有你在我的身边，所以我不希望你或我会应为那些人乱想的东西而变得尴尬，　你懂吗？你是我很好，很好的朋友， 我很爱你。 但这种爱不能让我们变成情侣你明白吗？ 也许是我想太多了吧， 但你常说的“我爱你”很多时候让我很尴尬，不是应为我不爱你， 你是我的好朋友我当然爱你啊， 只是。。。朋友这么常说那么肉麻的话。。。很奇怪呐， 你不觉得吗？
好朋友，我爱你但也不用常挂在嘴边吧。
朋友，相信我。
友情比爱情长久。



if the world were to end,
if these were the last few days,
would you cry?
would you run?
would you regret?
would you feel relieved?
if this was the end of the world,
would you live like any other day,
working, eating, sleeping,
would you suddenly remember those dreams you've let go of and for the last time,
try to achieve it despite knowing you don't have much time.
if there was only one phone call that you could make,
who would you call?
would you even call?
what have you promised but never fulfilled?
the end of the world...
why is it that just now we realise that maybe just maybe, it could all end?
that all we have now, or all that we've been fighting for means nothing at all in the end.
do we really need an "end of the world" to know what it is that's important?
in the end,
will it be chaos, will we all become the wild beasts that we really are?
or will it be final peace, a sudden realisation that we are all one, that we are simply another being on this dying earth?



i know i don't need someone else in my life to feel happiness,
but sometimes...
just sometimes...
it gets a little lonely.



ive come to notice how god damn stupid humans are.
so i was watching this show on animal plant and they were talking about how elephants were attacking humans in India and so on,
and those people were like "oh elephants are beasts, they're wild" blah blah blah
but then they're trying to scare those elephants away with guns, fireworks and cars
and asking why the elephants are attacking them.
well you stupid fuck, maybe because you've done something to them!
elephants are usually very calm animals, they don't attack unless they feel they're at threat.
fucking idiots.
i'm so sick of people complaining all the fucking time,
not satisfied with what they already have,
always asking for more and more and more.
urghhh stupid humans.
and god dammit i'm a human too.



i was watching some hong kong drama the other day and the main character was telling a story.
she was a radio show host that gives inspiration and so on. and this was the story she told;
there was once a man that worked hard for his family,
he had a younger brother, the one that he held tightly in his hands comforting when their parents had passed away,
a wife,
and two children.
He had always been grateful for what he had and worked happily despite the heat or the pain,
because he knew what he was doing had some meaning, some purpose.
Then, one day a bored rich man saw this hard working man,
he found the happiness this man had amusing,
interesting,
so he decided to challenge all that this man had cherished.
He left a bag of 99 gold coins at the front of his door,
the next day the man opened his door only to find a bag of golden coins.
He was overwhelmed with happiness,
he took the bag inside and started to count the coins,
1, 2, 3...98, 99
"Ninety-nine?" the man thought, "I must find the last golden coin, this is incomplete, imperfect."
And so from that day on the man used all his time and all his strength to think of how to retrieve that one last golden coin.
He remembered that his younger brother had a golden coin, one that he cherished very much.
Together with some other men he decided to steal his brother's beloved gold coin,
he abused his brother and threw the brotherly love aside.
For this golden coin, this man pushed aside all the love, all the happiness that he had once cherished.
This one hundredth gold coin, is it worth it?
Are you looking for your hundredth gold coin?
What is your hundredth golden coin?
Is it wealth? Is it fame? Is it greed? Is it all that you've ever wanted? All that you'll ever need?
Are we those 99 coins, or the one hundredth coin?
What have you sacrificed to complete those so called imperfections in your life?
What have you missed, left behind, forgotten?
Even when you've found your one hundredth coin, is your life complete? Is it perfect?
Maybe that coin is the motivation to your life, what keeps you going, what keeps you alive,
but maybe you're blinded by that coin, why not let it go? See the perfection in all the imperfections.
Feel the warmth, see the light, taste the sweetness of that imperfect life of yours because in the end, you'll never be able to take that last gold coin with you, no matter how hard you may try.

I don't know if I'll ever find friends like the ones I have now...

As I look at my phone wallpaper,

Their moustaches, smiles and happiness.

I wonder what I ever did in my past life to meet such special people.

Despite the underlying problems with some people I've learnt to look past that,

To cherish the happiness I have rather than dwell on useless hatred.

I hope I don't ever forget these people,

The people who make me laugh so freely,

Smile so willingly,

Filling my heart with warmth and comfort.

I love them I honestly do.

These memories I'm making with them..

I hope I'll never, ever forget them and the happiness that comes with it.

瘋狂世界 - 五月天

如果說了後悔　

是不是一切就能倒退 

回憶多麼美　

活著多麼狼狽

為什麼這個世界

總要叫人嚐傷悲

我不能了解

也不想了解

我好想好想飛

逃離這個瘋狂世界

那麼多苦

那麼多累

那麼多莫名的淚水

我好想好想飛

逃離這個瘋狂的世界

如果是你

發現了我

也別將我挽回

想了你一整夜

再也想不起你的臉

你是一種感覺

寫在夏夜晚風裡面

青春是挽不回的水

轉眼消失在指尖

用力的浪費

再用力的後悔

im so sick of her shit.
her stupid pmsing shit!
every fucking time i have a good day at school or go out with my friends,
i get into the car and she's being her bitchy self again.
and then she wonders why i want to go out all time.
its because i fucking hate it when she gives me shit for things i didnt do,
and when i dont talk to her cos im in a shit mood after having a good day
she says i give her fucking attitude.
so fucking shit of it.
days like this i just dont want to be home,
she thinks she has it bad?
cos her daughter isnt coming first in fucking everything
or staying at home everyday studying her fucking arse off.
shes going in for a shock when she realises theres girls that fuck around everyday with every guy, drinking at their parties and dont giving a shit about school.
ffs.

我這一生一定要去至少一个五月天演唱会! 就算是一个人去我也无所谓。我真的很像感受那种感动，那让眼泪不停的流的感动。我多么期待那种激动，和五月天一起和唱的快乐! 我一定要去，我不能错过這一定难以忘怀的经历。

im deeply offended.
i dont understand why anyone would ask "why do you get money from centrelink?"
how could you not know why someone would get social welfare assistance?
maybeee its because they need it?
maybee its because they have financial difficulties?
maybee thats why you don't ask ignorant questions like that?
maybee thats why i dont want to answer?
what do you want me to say?
because im a poor arse bitch and i need the money to pay my school fees and electricity bills and water bills?
because not everyone has it easy?
"you're so lucky, you can money from centrelink"
lucky?
you think needing to seek government assistance is lucky?
lucky would be NOT needing any assistance.
fucking hell.
get your shit right before you ask ignorant questions and offend others.















i think i've become too dependent on these people.
the people that provide me with warmth and love.
most of the time.
i try my hardest to show i care, to show how much i love them,
but in this group of friends,
sometimes i'm not sure if i'm as loved as i think i am.
am i feeling more secure than i should be?
am i giving too much?
can i trust them?
i love them so much, i feel like i belong there.
a feeling i haven't felt since the middle years of primary school.
i don't know if its right,
i don't know if letting my guards down like this is was a good idea.
i hope i'm right.
i hope they're trustworthy,
that i won't be hurt once again.
cos honestly,
it'll hurt bad. because i love them so much.



what if all the stories we've written, become reality in another dimension.
and all the characters we created, in the world we created,
are all waiting for us to write the next page to their lives.
what if they're all waiting for their saviour, messiah, god, the author of their world?
what if we were simply characters of someone's story?



不够好，不够好。就是不够好。





I couldn't stop the tears that fell while listening to this.
the stories lost their beautiful dreams, beautiful dreams lost any evidence, and we lost contact. in this speechless starry sky, why is it quietly watching me cry. if you were here, would you reach out your hand and hug me?
those years when we looked towards the starry sky, with so many magnificent dreams,
at least these memories will last forever, like the starry that never changes, by my side.
all there's left is the starry sky, like the memories that never change, by my side.




oh how i changed myself to please you,
how i told the world i loved the music you liked,
how i agreed to everything you said,
how i praised you.
oh how stupid i was.
how you made me feel so worthless,
how you can still make me feel so insecure about myself,
how my existence is so damn insignificant.
if i could ever see you again,
i'd like to look you in the eye
and ask you if you ever felt anything.
did you feel the way i did?
do you even remember me?
i felt so damn annoying,
like you were god,
like you were everything.
it took a while for me to realise you weren't all that.
i don't hate you,
it takes more than that for me to hate anyone.
but i wish i never met you.
if i had a choice, if i had a chance,
i'd walk away.
it's not that it hurts
it just pisses me off to know that i gave all that time to you,
that i put all my heart into an idiot like you.
fuck you.
just fuck you.





love is so bad.



soap photography.















i don't even know how to explain what i feel right now.
all these memories rushing towards me,
all these familiar faces on these familiar photos.
i miss those people, i miss that place i was somehow excited to go to everyday,
i miss the stupid things we did together.
i miss that primary school bully of mine,
that popular guy,
that popular girl,
the nice teachers,
the mean teachers,
the friends i made at the beginning,
and the friends i made at the very end.
i miss that crush i had, i still can't find him. he'll be forever perfect in my memory,
with that sweet smile and those shy eyes.
i miss my kindergarten class that was at the end of the school,
i miss the fat little pencils we used to colour in endless cartoons,
i miss my kindy teacher,
somehow i even miss that evil principal.
and the canteen ladies.
people have changed though, i found some familiar faces on facebook,
everyone has seemed to...conform. with the same hairstyles, same style of clothing, same photo angles. i wonder why i was still hoping to see that tinge of the primary school days in them.
i wonder if they reminisce those days like me,
if they look at old school photos and uncontrollably shed tears like me,
am i the only one that remembers all these things?
i miss everyone, everything.
oh how time flies.
soon i'll be missing all these things again,
except for my high school years.
very soon.



photo taken by: me :)







its hard to believe we were once such close friends.
adi,
i heard you've changed, how are you?
to just be another facebook friend that says a simple "happy birthday"
surprises me.
because someone like me, someone who was so close to you, someone that you went to for advice,
someone you cried to, someone you hugged, someone you said "i love you" to,
is now buried in the line of other strangers on your wall.
maybe you've heard i've changed,
no longer am i that depressed, pessimistic little junior girl,
no longer do i cry everyday in the year 7 toilets about friendship problems,
no longer do i give advice to people, quite frankly no one comes to me for any anymore,
no longer do i put my emotions first.
i bet you've changed too,
its a fact of life, something we all must go through,
im not blaming you for change. i have no right to.
but i just want to know who you've become,
i just want to know if you're doing well,
if those problems you once came to me for have been solved.
maybe this is useless, maybe this is pointless,
maybe you don't even remember me. even if you said you never would.
sometimes i miss you, and that little group of ours in year 7 and 8.
even though i turned a blind eye to all the unhappiness going on at that time,
the happiness i felt with you and the others is not something that can be easily forgotten.
i can't say "i love you" as easily as i could to you anymore, because i hardly even know "you" anymore. but i loved you, for who you were.



what if life worked like facebook.
what if we could erase the people we'd like to forget.
just like when someone deactivates their account,
and all the comments, likes, all disappear.
imagine if life was like that,
when someone leaves, there'll be no marks left,
no evidence of their existence,
nothing to look back on,
maybe it'd be easier for us to move on that way.
if there were no marks for us to cry over,
if we could only rely on our fragile memories,
and one day these memories will fade
and become something close to nothing;
just familiar feelings.



do i regret the choices i've made? the life i'm living?
well,
it was never my choice nor decision to have my life change at that time.
but i've never regretted the choice i made to walk away from the past.
i remember when i sat there in the dark, in that corner of my room,
in the middle of the night,
with tear-drenched tissues surrounding me,
swollen, red eyes,
i could hardly breath,
i could hardly see,
i was hardly alive.
and the memories that only existed a few weeks ago filled my mind,
the life i lived freely, the things i owned, the people i knew,
they still seemed so close, so familiar,
yet they hurt so deeply.
and at that time, i made my choice, my decision.
to continue walking forward.
no matter how hard it was, no matter how much i wanted to turn around and reminisce the times i had, the world that was so familiar to me,
i promised to never look back, to never regret walking away, to never, ever, think of how life would be if none of this had happened.
i made this decision not because i was brave,
but because i was terrified.
because i knew that no matter how much i longed to go back, there was no turning back, there was no going back in time, nothing can be changed now. and the stronger the desire i have to go back, the more it'll hurt, and the harder it'll be to survive.
i don't regret that decision,
and i don't think i ever will.
because the life i live now - despite being full of obstacles,
is worth living, worth remembering, and worth cherishing.
don't ever give up, if you give up now how will you ever know what life has to offer you later on? i am not one to guarantee anything, i cant tell you it will definitely be better but who are you to be so definite in saying life will only bring you down? who are you to say the future will bring nothing but more pain? look forward, even if its misty, even if you can't see a thing, because as long as you're walking, you'll get somewhere. somewhere, away from here.



If I could, I'd like to be the steam that rises from your hot tea that you have on your weekly relaxation.
I'd like to be that warm,
Almost invisible,
Graceful float from your tea.
If I could, that'd be all I want to be in your life.
Nothing too eye catching or obvious,
All I'd ask for is to be that little warmth that floats around you,
Something that comforts you on a cold, rainy afternoon,
Maybe invisible, maybe unnoticed.
But if you were to stop for a little,
To watch that peaceful warmth float from your tea,
You might realise I'm something more,
Just a little more heart warming than usual.
I wouldn't want to ask for more,
Just to be the steam from your hot tea.



time can be so cruel.
as i sit here listening to my favourite songs in the middle of the night,
i realise these favourite songs of mine will be "out of fashion",
my favourite singer will grow old and eventually leave this world before me.
the time i can spend here, wasting my youth away,
it might be something that i'll regret, or something that i'll reminisce.
i regret not going to the concerts,
i regret not sitting down and talking with my dad,
i regret not eating that dessert we just threw away,
i'll regret not telling him how i feel,
i'll regret not sleeping,
i'll regret not giving my best,
i'll regret all these things.
because life is full of regrets.
maybe these regrets will become reminders to future obstacles,
or maybe they're just here to torture us.
i've suddenly become so afraid of time.
as a child i've always wanted to grow up quicker,
to wear the clothes i want to wear,
to go out with people i like,
to make my own decisions,
to create something miraculous in the world.
but suddenly,
suddenly time seems to be slipping away.
as i listened to an old song on the radio today,
the world around my changed,
i was pulled back to my 12 year old self.
the one that thought she was ready to love,
ready to walk alone in this world,
the one that chased aimlessly after celebrities,
and thought she'd never grow up.
then the song ended.
and i looked outside the car,
houses, people, stories, life time successes, unexplainable love,
they all passed me.
so quickly that they combined together into a beautiful sort of sadness.
time flies,
it does, it really does.
some day i'll walk into this room again and memories will slip past me,
and i'll forget the names of the people i know so well now,
walking this life alone, i'll be filled with scars,
maybe i'll be happy,
maybe i'll still be filled with regrets.
despite this fear,
life goes on.
no matter how much i want to hold onto all that i have now, there is no stopping time.
i'll miss all i have now,
but just so i don't miss out on anything i shall cherish every moment of this insignificant yet beautiful youth of mine.



I'm junk at heart







i hope you know that you have a secret of mine that i've never told anyone else,
that everyone of you know a little about me that someone else will never know,
know that you made me smile,
laugh,
and maybe even cry a little more than i should.
it's odd that we've lost our connection,
that one that we thought will never be cut,
the one we thought would never end.
and i remember we promised to be friends forever,
to move into highschool together,
to live in the same apartment when we head off to uni,
to meet up every weekend after we start work,
to have our little mother meetings when we've married.
maybe these promises don't mean as much to us anymore,
or maybe we've chosen to forget them cos we know very well that they've been broken,
but despite that,
at the moment i made that promise to you; i meant it.
every little promise,
every little second we wasted together,
every single tiny "i love you"s i've said to you.
maybe we've met new people,
made new promises,
maybe we've forgotten each other,
but remember i've loved you more than i had ever loved anyone.
even if it was for a split second,
you meant the world to me.
and if i had the choice to, i would've given my everything to you.
i'm sorry we've changed,
and that promises were made and broken.
sorry that everything seems so trivial and useless to you,
but i kept your christmas cards,
i read through my little diary entries of our day every now and then,
i look at your facebook to see how you're doing, sometimes even tempted to ask you if you're alright when i see you've had a bad day.
somewhere in my memory, sometime in this little insignificant life of mine,
you've contributed something big,
and no matter how we've changed i'd like to thank you for what you've given me,
whether its the warming hugs, or the pinky promises, or just the little chats we had about buffy the vampire slayer.
thank you, and even if i've forgotten you; you mean a lot.




i should stop lying.
it's not the same anymore,
i've changed, moved on.
i don't want to leave you behind,
but like someone said "if she wants to, she'll follow behind"
i won't let go,
but i'm sorry, i can't stop for you.
you probably don't need me anyways, but it's okay.
just know that i'm still here.
even if i seem far, even if it seems like forever since we've last dnm-ed
cos i'll always love you.
nothings gonna change that.
we'll be walking at our different speed now,
maybe even different roads,
but i'm sure one day we'll meet up sometime.
i'll be missing you in the meantime.








just wondering if you still read my blog LOL
anddd..

i love you.
you know lately i've realised i've been spending less and less time with you.
and every now and then when i'm not worrying about school work,
i lie in bed regretting not having a nice chat with you when you walked past me on that day.
i really love my group,
but i love you even more.
and sometimes because i spend so much time with my group,
i leave you out.
it doesn't mean i dont want to spend time with you,
i just forget how much attention i need to give you to show you how much i love you,
and that that love hasn't changed.
you know today i was really stressing about maths,
and i was crying for nearly the whole day yesterday because of it.
and when i got to school you were the first person i wanted to tell my stresses and dilemmas to,
but then i couldn't find you.
at the end of homeroom i was at the peak of my stress because of what everyone was saying,
and all i wanted was a comforting word from you telling me that you understand,
but i looked and looked and you were no where to find.
then i saw you, in a distance,
and i was about to run over to you telling you everything.
but you were with a group of other friends, hurry off to class.
so i turned to a friend close by,
and told her a little about how i was feeling just so i dont breakdown.
and then came english,
and you were sitting right next to me,
but by then i was over my stress and it only seemed a nuisance to tell you.
i'm sorry for not spending time with you,
i do regret walking past you without asking how you are or ranting to you about some stupid bitch, but i always tell myself i can tell you another day, i can ask you another day.
i'm sorry, we've all been so overwhelmed with school work and it seems like i only have time to do school work or sit at lunch with my group.
suzie, i still love you. and i don't know why i feel like you're starting to doubt this.






















when we were little, our parents would hold onto our hands tightly,
afraid to lose us,
afraid to be away from us.
then we grow,
and our parents become afraid that we will be unable to survive in this world,
so they pave our paths,
making sure its smooth and safe.
then we grow a little more,
we push our parents away,
walking another path,
the one they said not to,
they one they used all their time to prevent us from walking.
we run towards our dreams,
hoping to fly away from their arms,
we trip,
we fall,
we bleed,
we hurt.
then we turn around,
looking for them,
looking for their comfort,
their warmth,
their love.
and only then,
do we realise that they've already left.
and we never got the chance to say goodbye,
and i love you.
so hold onto their hands,
open your arms to them,
give them a kiss on their cheeks,
show them you care,
show them you'll be there,
show them how much you love them.
cos when they aren't here,
there'll be no one to care for you selflessly just like they did.





"I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone."
— Dr. Seuss



i can't say it hurt me bad,
i didn't get the time to build the attachment with her.
but just thinking about my poor aunty makes it hard to not shed a tear.
she was only a baby,
only little,
she's meant to be protected,
have us all teach her about the world,
dress her in little fluffy dresses,
give her her first pooh bear,
take her around in her stroller,
show her the world,
tell her stories,
let her go to learn more than ever,
but she couldn't last.
she couldn't stay.
why?
why is this so called "god" so cruel. no, you don't even deserve the capital G.
why must you take her away from her mummy,
why must you take her little fragile life from her father,
her aunties,
her uncles,
and her cousin.
the cousin that couldn't wait to meet her.

"please note that; this is my blog. this is the one place where what i say is not to please anyone, this is for me, and if you like; it could be your peek on my life. but the things i say, the music i listen to, the photos i post (even though they don't belong to me), these are all that represent me. if you cannot respect that, please understand it, or at least try to. if you cannot understand it, leave. and for those that are willing to respect me; you are well and truly welcome :)

facebook twitter tumblr

email formspring livejournal

PREVIOUS ENTRIES BY MONTH 2009-05-102009-05-172009-05-242009-05-312009-07-192009-07-262009-08-092009-08-162009-08-232009-08-302009-09-132009-09-202009-09-272009-10-042009-10-112009-10-182009-10-252009-11-082009-11-152009-11-222009-11-292009-12-062009-12-132009-12-202009-12-272010-01-032010-01-102010-01-172010-01-242010-01-312010-02-072010-02-142010-02-212010-02-282010-03-072010-03-142010-03-212010-03-282010-04-042010-04-112010-04-182010-04-252010-05-022010-05-092010-05-162010-05-232010-05-302010-06-062010-06-132010-06-202010-06-272010-07-042010-07-112010-07-182010-07-252010-08-012010-08-082010-08-152010-08-222010-08-292010-09-052010-09-122010-09-192010-09-262010-10-032010-10-102010-10-172010-10-242010-10-312010-11-072010-11-142010-11-212010-11-282010-12-052010-12-122010-12-192010-12-262011-01-022011-01-092011-01-162011-01-302011-02-062011-02-132011-02-202011-02-272011-03-062011-03-132011-03-202011-03-272011-04-032011-04-102011-04-172011-04-242011-05-012011-05-082011-05-152011-05-222011-05-292011-06-052011-06-262011-07-032011-07-102011-07-242011-08-072011-08-142011-08-282011-09-042011-09-112011-09-252011-10-162011-10-232011-11-062011-11-132011-11-272011-12-042011-12-112011-12-182011-12-252012-01-012012-01-082012-01-152012-01-222012-02-262012-03-112012-03-182012-03-252012-04-082012-04-222012-05-202012-05-272012-06-032012-06-102012-07-012012-07-152012-07-292012-08-052012-08-122012-08-192012-08-262012-09-092012-09-162012-09-232012-10-282012-11-042012-11-112012-12-022012-12-092012-12-162012-12-302013-01-132013-02-242013-04-072013-05-262013-06-022013-08-042013-08-252013-11-24